Looking Back

These past couple of weeks have been a major learning experience for me. I've been wanting to blog about it for a few days now, but I just had no idea what to say or where to start. So please bear with me as I try to get this out.

I've always known that trials were actually blessings. Two years ago I was going through something that was very difficult for me. And even though afterwards I looked back and thought it was silly, it still mattered to me at the time. As I was going through it, I wondered what the purpose was. I just didn't get it. I didn't see how it could benefit me at all.

Afterwards, I started to realize blessings that came from it. Nothing huge, but I began to understand why I had to go through that particular thing. However, there were times where I still wondered if it was necessary or if I would have been the same without going through that experience.

And then, it clicked.

Last week, everything came together. It all made sense. And last night, I was thinking a lot about it, and I realized some things.

First of all, I feel so much stronger. Two years ago, I felt weak. I had very little experience with pain, or loss of friendship, or anything like that. So when I first began experiencing those things, it was hard. I didn't know if I could do it. I turned to the Lord. And through Him, I was strengthened. Everything ended up being just fine.

Now, two years later, as I look back at some of the trials I've been through this semester, I am surprised with how strong I am. Two years ago, I would not have been able to handle some of the things I am handling now. But it was all those times of hurt and pain that made me the person I am today.

The second thing I realized is that I am finally in control of my own life. I am in charge of my own happiness, and I'm not letting other people or the things that happen around me bring me down. But two years ago, I did. I let the situation take control of me. I was't in control of my own happiness. And because of that, I was unhappy for a while.

At this point in time, I could react exactly how I have in the past. But I'm smarter than that. I'm more mature. And last night, when I realized that something that could have really upset me didn't at all, I felt amazing. I was finally free. I was finally my own person and in control of my own emotions.

Happiness is a choice. I said that a lot to one of my friends this past year, but I don't think I've ever actually experienced it for myself until now. I can honestly say that I am happy with my life. I am happy with who I am. I know I am where I need to be and that I'm doing what's right. Yes, there have been times this semester where I have messed up. There have been times when I did something I knew I shouldn't have. I'm not perfect. But those experiences have taught me so many things about myself that I wouldn't have learned otherwise. And I am thankful for them.

Sorry this post was so deep. I just needed to get my thoughts out somewhere, and this seemed like the best place, especially since I'm working on sharing my thoughts and feelings with others. I don't want to be a closed book anymore.